Today is QiXi Jie (aka „Chinese Valentine’s Day”) – based on
a legend:
A young cowherd, hence Niulang (Chinese:
牛郎; literally
"cowherd"), came across a beautiful girl--Zhinü (simplified Chinese: 织女;
traditional Chinese: 織女;
literally "weavergirl"), the seventh daughter of the Goddess, who had
just escaped from boring heaven to look for fun. Zhinü soon fell in love with
Niulang, and they got married without the knowledge of the Goddess. Zhinü
proved to be a wonderful wife, and Niulang to be a good husband. They lived
happily and had two children. But the Goddess of
Heaven (or in some versions, Zhinü's mother) found out that Zhinü, a fairy
girl, had married a mere mortal. The Goddess was furious and ordered Zhinü to
return to heaven. (Alternatively, the Goddess forced the fairy back to her
former duty of weaving colorful clouds, a task she neglected while living on
earth with a mortal.) On Earth, Niulang was very upset that his wife had
disappeared. Suddenly, his ox began to talk, telling him that if he killed it
and put on its hide, he would be able to go up to Heaven to find his wife.
Crying bitterly, he killed the ox, put on the skin, and carried his two beloved
children off to Heaven to find Zhinü. The Goddess discovered this and was very
angry. Taking out her hairpin, the Goddess scratched a wide river in the sky to
separate the two lovers forever, thus forming the Milky Way
between Altair and Vega. Zhinü must sit forever on one side of the river, sadly
weaving on her loom, while Niulang watches her from afar while taking care of
their two children (his flanking stars β and
γ
Aquilae or by their Chinese names Hè Gu 1 and Hè Gu 3). But once a year all
the magpies in
the world would take pity on them and fly up into heaven to form a bridge (鹊桥,
"the bridge of magpies", Que Qiao) over the star Deneb in the Cygnus constellation so the lovers may be
together for a single night, which is the seventh night of the seventh moon. Source: Wikipedia
Is a very romantic but sad story – and today, I just feels
so strange… Last year and then this year… So many things and people can change
within 365 day… ;( But I think I have to get myself use to this being “alone”
again... *lol* I couldn’t even talk to qq today as it just feels award and weird today…
or we just pretend that we both don’t know what date today is… anyway, I am
just glad that this day will be over soon >.<
Strange isn’t it? When you are together – you wish that
there could be V-Day everyday – to show the world around you how much you love
and can’t live without each-other… but once this happiness is “over” – this day
is not that much fun at all… It just reminds you your current “status”…
Anyway, no one can predict the future – maybe next year I
might look forward to XiQi Festival again? *hahaha*
Due to my hairdressing appointment at Regis in Eldon Square
today, I had to go back into town. Hence, it ended up with another shopping
spree – this time more in focus of what to buy for a “school cornet” as qq is
gonna to Canada and for him it’s the first time after a break back to STUDY back to being a STUDENT (again).
my "school cornet" selection for qq
I think my selection is not bad~ bought different
shapes of Post-it notes as qq likes to write things down. Some fold back clips –
with messages on it like important, to do, copy etc. – I think having some sort
of order helps to overcome/ reduce the first few weeks of study stress. Colourful
pencils (qq you know from where these are :p) As well as some selection of
NinJiom Herbal Candy – in case your throat hurts – these works magic to heal
it. A “school cornet” would look unfinished without some sweets. Bought
chocolate and a chocolate smiley – starting a life in a totally new place can
be stressful – due to cultural barrier you might find yourself that not
everything is handled the way that you are used to, therefore, I hope that no
matter what kind of obstacle you gonna face – keep smiling!! Cos life is too
precious to waste it with negative emotions... Last but not least a suitable
card is a must :)
Hope you will like my small selection~ It’s gonna be my first
post that I ever gonna send to Canada~
I ended up buying for myself a tank top from Next. Normally,
I am not a big “green colour” fan but this emerald colour really caught my
attention.
Other than that I told my hairdresser that my scalp isn’t
feeling very well recently – always itchy (it’s driving me nuts – as my hair
are falling out!! *cry*cry*cry*) Even though I am using from Wella SP Balance
Scalp – hence, she recommended me to use sensi balance from L’Oréal. Price for
a 250ml is £9.85 – not that “cheap” but we all love our hair… :)
It’s been a week now since pqy “going” official separate ways…
I felt like s*** and miserable inside & outside. But because of you,
because we have agreed to be “friends” from now on – it seems I can still face
the next morning and even trying to “smile”.
For the “outside world” – I seem
to be absolutely fine. And thanks god that I am a girl – I can wear “heavy” make-up
to make myself look “fresh” and presentable every day even with “healthy rosy
cheeks” on each side *lol*I think the main reason why I still have the energy
to play “everything is OK with me” to the outside world is because we haven’t
lost each-other!!
And I am so grateful that I still have you – I think if I
had lost you/ pqy completely, I wouldn’t have the energy to be that “strong”
for the outside world.
But inside…
qq – I love you. Even though you said our “status is free”
now. It hurts when you said this but at least you haven’t locked me out from
your life...
Today, we have exchanged each-other’s picture. I was sooo exciting
to see your picture. My heart was beating when I saw your picture. I know you
said “you are not that hand-some guy in this universe” – but for me – you are
the only one that can make my heart beat. For me you are très 性感
*blushing* especially when I see you shirtless *hahaha* like the one time when
I was back in your car in BJ – I still can remember you wear black trousers and
a dark purple shirt. You know that dark purple colour suit you? You said it’s
too hot and you open a few buttons from your shirt *hahaha* My heart was
beating sooo fast back then – have you ever noticed/ heard that :p
Ahhhh – I really don’t know what do to… but I think being in
a “free status” is good for us both, right? At least I don’t get mad – if I don’t
receive any text message from you or with no real conversation content or with a huge delay in reply...
You know that Will & Kate got their baby a few days ago…
they seem so endless happy & endless in love. But did you know that they
had their break-ups as well? But their true love proved that they can follow a
split!! Maybe we too? I don’t know… but as I said if we get together this time –
I can feel that this will last!!
Maybe it’s good to give us time & space
and less pressure & control?
We both don’t know what to expect for the future – tomorrow is
really a mystery. We can guess, plan but never without “100%” guarantee & safety...
I saw the sadness, worry and pressure in your eyes today (and
it made me almost cry at work…) – there are a lot of things that are in your
mind. I feel somehow bad to give you additional trouble in your currently very
stressful life… >.< You are taking a lot in these days… actually since the
beginning of this year… I just hope and wish that once you are in Canada, once
you have started a new “chapter” in your life that things become more balance
and “calm down”… Moreover, you have lost weight these days even though you said “it’s
the ankle” *lol*
But as I said to you today – if you need someone to talk to
or just only listen to – if you need to speak out things loud out before they
drive you crazy in your mind – I am there – I can also just listen to you
without questioning or suggestion anything (if you wish)… All I want is to be
there for you – even if we are in distance...
And the good part is – in Canada you can finally download
Viber – hence, we don’t need to have Skype subscriptions to make free phone
calls *hehehe* I am there qq – I will be always there for you if you want me & still let me be a part of your life…
I know I was mad at you – mad at me – mad at us. But I think
as long as we have each-other, even if it’s “free status” we are strong to face
the next day and look into the mirror...
Hence, if you see me smiling – it’s not that I’m relief and
happy – it’s because I haven’t lost pqy :)
Ooohhh – over first official face-to-face conversation will
be this week-end. I’m sooo nervous. What will we be talking about? Actually, about
a LOT!! But I don’t know where to start… What I know is that I don’t what it to
be ended-up in “sadness” – I don’t want you to keep this in your memory. I won’t
cry (^.^)v I’ll keep smiling & joking… Plus, will it be the last proper face-to-face
talk with you while you are in BJ?
Ooohhh – I don’t want that!! I wanna see you
also on the day before you leave the house to the airport. I wanna see you.
Also, when you are at the airport about to board in, as well as, when your airplane
lands in Canada – I wanna be part of everything!! @.@
But I won’t be mad or disappointed if all these won’t be
happening after all… I don’t have these rights anymore… even though you are
still in my mind before I sleep and when I wake up the next day… ooohhh qq病… not
that easy & simple to cure...
I don’t know how to start this – as this is a very personal
entry. But the reasons why I write it down is first: for myself (maybe I might
read it with a “faint smile” years later – maybe not – but to help me to cope
with the current situation “better”) second: for you qq (I know we are gonna
have a face-to-face conversation a few days later – but I want to write things
down now – how I feel right now) third: as this is a blog entry I can’t prevent
any persons not to read it (if you read it and you are in the same situation, I
hope this entry can help you with your decision…)
Today, or actually last night I felt back like to the day on my
b.day when I received your text message that I shouldn’t wait for you… also,
like same on the day before the week-end we went to Lake District. Just with one
main difference – this time it’s for real (my hand & body is trembling –
what does real mean? Real like forever real or Real temporary??). We also had
in-between our little “arguments” but never strong then these three or at least
not that strong that can cry a river out of me. I remember there was one
time almost the same like that (on my class gathering night back then – but it
never felt that painful and heart broken or that my world would felt into
pieces like with the start of this year). I really don’t know how things can
end up like that. I could feel that things between us were changing – but I
just ignored all the negative thoughts… and I would never imagine it will turn
into this direction...
It’s not the first time that we fight, we have our
disagreements before – and it took normally less than 24h to get back together again.
Even though these hours were the most painful, stressful, anxiety, and felt
like ages…
And you always asked me two questions:
Do you love me? yes
Do you still wanna be with me? yes
My answer now is still YES for both questions. Even though,
you didn’t ask this time… Maybe you knew as well that this moment will sooner
or later come...?
I actually believe that we could make it up this time as
well – if we both want to – I am not saying we both don’t want. I know we want
as we love each-other unconditionally and pure, but, sometimes…
We both can’t promise that this moment, that we both feeling
right now, won’t happen again in the future.
And it just makes us both tired. And
it’s better to make the decision now while we are still in love – this way we
can be friends, right? As we are caring for each-other.
I called you liar and being selfish. I don’t think you have understood
it the way to what I was referring to.
Maybe I said this because of overreaction and being in hurt
but looking back now there are always two people involved in this. And I am not
faultless in this regard.
Like the Chinese proverb says: 一个碗不会听当
(one plate can’t make a noise).
You are not a liar and selfish person. I think we both have
changed… even though we stay true and honest to each-other all the time. I
think this is also what make us survived the long distance. But why not now? I
assume it’s because since the thing that happen to me last year (you know what
I am referring to qq, right?) it make me anxious about time. Time has become
one of my worst enemies. And I feel less and less secure inside. Moreover, on
top of that I got qq病 – I don’t know maybe it’s my star sign being in control
of everything. In combination of not being patience (worst mix ever). You said
that you are my QiGuanYan – but you are not a robot – you need to breath. I
understand it. But understanding something and putting things into action are
two different things. Even though, it’s a step into it. However, I don’t think
I can change – not currently. And the more I felt insecure, the more I become
impatience inside. In addition, I have noticed that I have become a more
sensitive and thinking too much person since last autumn… Which even let you say
that “you don’t know me anymore” due to my overreaction sometimes…
I called you liar because you promise me a lot of things (as
I said PAGES if all written down!!) and I want them “now” (in a nearer future
than you).
Selfish because you know how our future might look like
(already back in BJ – maybe not that clear but Canada was already in your mind)
yet you still give me hope and let me got the qq 病.
You are my first in everything qq – and I don’t think I can
ever not have feelings for you deep inside. Even IF we went apart as
“strangers” – deep inside my mind will always come back to you. You are my drug
(as my mum would describe).And the
problem with “drug” is one become greedier and greedier. Meanwhile become more
and more sensitive to things.
I know that you are, since you are back to BJ, very busy
with your Canada preparation and stressed out on the top as things don’t go
that smooth as planned. We don’t spend time with communication anymore or that
I can only vague assume how you are feeling inside. We used to share and to talk about EVERYTHING.
But now you are only busy with your things and you don’t even know how I felt.
Like I said – you didn’t even know that I was sick as our communication ended
up with “morning” “NU” “football” “evening” “English Corner” etc. and that for
weeks and weeks. We only do face-to-face due to your “exercise” even though
that’s not the main but our conversation are getting less. Even though you said
we are not talking less. We are just busier.
But even if we have “face-to-face”
talk I don’t know where to start with. There are so many things that I want to
say but I don’t know where to start… and it just ended up that I am used to of
not seeing you every day like we used to, even though this would always mean one of us has to
stay up very late or get up very early. And I am used to our daily
conversations. But there is a point of every “used to”… and I think I have
reached mine… as I don’t think that’s healthy for me, especially with qq 病– I’m not happy inside and feeling insecure. And you talk
rather with your friends and spent time with them. I mean you should. But it
just make a fool of me as I put you always on my priority list 1st, maybe I was
too extreme?
But because of you and your jealous and to save us from
“arguments” I stopped meeting my “male friends”. I let you control – but at the
same time you keep friends of both genders. Which I felt is unfair. Also, it
started to take ages for getting a reply from you when I know you have read it, whereas
you reply to your friends always prompt?! I’m not mad just disappointed and I
find it as an unfair treatment because when I, accidently, replied late you said
to me “I ignore you” or “you are always not there when I need you most” – But
what about ME?!
This already stressed me out when you were in UK and you were
most of the time playing on your phone (why didn’t you do this or be like this when we were
2gether in BJ???). Or when I come to see you after work – you prefer to spend time
downstairs (you can’t deny it – it’s at least 50:50). I mean I am the one who
sacrifice my time to see you as I know one day less with you in UK would mean
one day less with you in person. Do you really think that I’m always “free”
whenever you want to. Have you ever consider that I make myself available to
you by neglecting my own friends. Not only these in UK?! Friends that I have
known for ages. My friends understand me as they know that I want to spend as
much time as possible with you. Even though some friends don’t. But have you
ever considered that?! You don’t or at least not 100%. That’s why I said you
are selfish.
If you did that to me what you are doing now back in BJ – I don’t
think things will become like it has become now. Back then you were always 100%
devoted to me or even more (even though I wasn’t like that). But somehow I have
become the 100% and you have changed (I don’t know if you have realised this).
And when I got the qq病 I can’t stop of not being the 100% anymore and I am
suffer inside as I can’t see the same effort from you anymore… And due to our
“used to” conversation – I have also started to spend my time with my friends
and I realise that I have missed it. Hence, I can understand why you also want
to spend with your friends. It’s healthy, even though I feel sad inside because
even though my friends make me happy but it’s different than talking to you and
makes me even more insecure about us inside.
Especially, when you have suddently changed the two things on wechat
without asking me first (you have promised me that). And then the thing with 126.com
(you have promisedme this as well) – because this was the only thing that let
me know what’s going on with you as you don’t talk to me about those things… I
felt that you don’t trust me anymore or not that much as you used to.
Plus, the
question weeks ago from you when you assumed that “I don’t love you” – how could
you ever possibly come to this idea in your mind. I am still asking myself. What
did I do to let you come to this? You know the reason why I broke my own rule
(you know which rule qq) is because of that. I know that the next 2 years won’t
be easy. Especially, when I can feel that things were changing since the
beginning of this year. I also told you that in person and we have discussed
about this. I said I will wait for you, even though we both don’t know what the
future will look like. But I trust you. I trust in your words and promises and
believe in our future that as long as we have each-other we can overcome
everything. And I know that you feel insecure about me as well especially after
what had happened around Dec./ Jan. Hence, I broke my rule to let you know that
you don’t need to feel insecure about me/ about us. Maybe also because to safe what actually can't be saved anymore because even you said it “out of anger“ and “I pushed you“– I hear you saying this for the first time by yourself even though you have promised me that these words will never come out from you!! And because of my qq病 –
because I love you too much & afraid of loosing you – I break it (as after you took it from me – you should take responsiblity, if you are a man...). Moreover, I thougth that this can bring us closer together for the hardship times upfront us... I thought you knew it and would never
ever question my feelings for you again.
But I think – that this has let us come to today’s point. As deep down the iceberg it has already started to crumble. We just didn’t realise
it or ignored the fact.
Like you said when we started argue “I am tired” “I am sick
of this” “I don't know you anymore” – you never said that this to me before. NEVER!! I wish you did.
Remember when you said you wanted our “sun” being tattooed
but never did. Always postpone it. Because deep down you weren’t 100% about us,
even though you were talking about marriage, calling me “wifey”. Mengfengli,
Mengfengxing etc. But you know that it would take a long way to reach it and you
are unsure whether we will reach it. You definitely want to have all these with
me (you even wrote it in your/ our diary). I am sure and I believe in what you say but you don’t know when… and the
“when” is an indefinite time period in the long future…
And I think we both might have changed and you are tired
(you have to be honest with yourself at this point). Therefore, you have accepted
our break-up (even though you are very up-set and sad). I don’t think you would
“easily” accept that one year ago. You would feel sad and call me like crazy
and beg me not to. But now you don’t do this. I think deep down inside I know
that you wouldn’t do this anymore...
I am not saying you don’t love me like you used to but your
love for me has changed, while mine has become too strong and breathless at the
same time.
And that’s not good. Not healthy for me if it keeps going like that. I wanna live my
life and be myself again. Focusing own my life. Be with whoever I want to
friends with. Go out with whoever I want to. Do things whatever I like. Without
asking you first for “permission” or afraid of “up-setting” you...
I wanna be free. Free from qq病. I
don’t wanna be upset if you spend more time with your friends or talk to them
more. Because it’s your life after all. You live yours and follow your dream and I will
do the same from now on.
We have agreed to be friends from now on. Hence, I can still
let you be part in my life but I won’t prioritise my time around you anymore.
Like what friends or good friends do. They talk regular and being in up-date
with each-other. But it’s your decision what you want to let me know. If you
don’t want to share it with me – when this won’t bother me. I don’t have the
right to know every single step of your life anymore. That’s the difference between pqy
and pq and qy. Each has their own seperate life. Their own freedom. Their own choice. But because of “q”
we are connected...
And during the last two years you know more about me than
anyone else or even I about myself. Because I let you in. I let you inside the
imperfect me (“perfect” for the outside world). Same with you. And I think
because of this strong bond – as long as pq or qy needs the other half we will
always be there for each-other.
As I said you can call me “jiejie” *lol* – well actually, meant it
in this way… like “siblings”... well… how shall I describe this… Like today,
you let me know about the problems that you are currently facing that I didn’t
even know about. Not even in my guessing. I felt like today – for the first
time – close to you again – cos even it was Skype chat – but somehow you have
opened up to me again for a long time. And I want to keep this. I don’t want us
ending up as friend of the “used to conversations” but as true friend, who can still
be open and talk about (almost) everything...
I don’t want to erase you out of my life completely – I
think I can never do this (like you said by yourself “impossible”). Too many things have marked me/ us. That’s why I couldn’t “unfriend” you completely and added you back again…
Even though, these days/ few weeks or even month might strange talking to you and “pretend” that “everything is ok”... when my world just broke down...
We are both now free qq – free to fly wherever we want.
Without betraying/ dissapointing the other person. Even though, it damn hurts – my heart is
broken right now – I cannot stop crying – I feel emptiness – my head hurts – same
with you – but I think, maybe I am wrong & act too much in a rush last night – but it’s healthy for us both in the
long-term... Because if we keep up with all the “unnecessary” arguments we just
hurting each-other more. Our relationship is only around circle – and a growing
of massive misunderstanding between us (due to lack of communication). We will
soon or later come to this point.
You are already tired – maybe it’s the
pressure that I give up… (deep inside –
I can feel it – without you speaking about it loud because you have promised me
that – you will never ever do the first step). Anyway, we are both hurt now; but
time can heals all wounds. And now after the break-up we can still be friends
as we have hurt each-other but not in this kind of hurt that can end up into
“hate”. Just “sadness” / “disappointment” “guilty“...
And as you said qq – you believe in destiny – like I. We
have found each-other in a million people city. In a time where I should be in
UK already back then. It was coincident that even I went to this restaurant at
that night. Life is long – we never know the future. If we are really meant to
be together we will.
Remember the quote that I used to say to you (but never ever
would imagine back then this would ever apply to us):
Well, I am setting you and with that also myself free. Maybe
one day we can become pqy again. And I know that IF this time come – this
time it will stay. But right now – it’s not right to keep things like this. It
will just make as both even more “unspoken unhappy” in the end. Maybe it’s not
right – do set pqy free – because if you love someone you should hold it. But
then my qq病 will become stronger and stronger… till one day we both
won’t be able to cope with it…
Do you know that I had “nightmares” – in my dreams we were apart
due to a big argument/ fight. And apart not as friends. Then, because I care I
wanted to know how you are. You know we are not friends anymore – we are
strangers – but because I couldn’t forget you after years and need to know how you are, I
visit you in Canada and found out that you were already father *lol* and you
ignored me – saying that you can’t have feelings for me anymore, not because of
you having a family now but because I have once hurt you too much… and I
shouldn’t come to see anymore…
How strange “nightmares” sometimes can be…
Anyway, I still hope that I can visit you as a friend in
Canada. Maybe not that soon anymore. Maybe like I said on your graduation… (see
I haven’t forgotten my words to you) I am sure one day we will meet each other
in person (either North America, Europe or Asia or …). I know. Whether as
friend or pqy… but definitely not as strangers…
I wish you all the best of luck and everything with your new
life in Canada. I wish you to find and to pursue your happiness. Don’t think too
much about me or my feelings. We are friends from now on – and true friends
always support each-other and want that the other live in happiness. And you
should know that you can call me whenever you need to talk to someone. I will
be there – your “jiejie”~
The first song that you sung to me – I hated already back then the last sentence of it... even though I was very touched by your singing while we were walking back to my dorm... and you kissed me under the stars on my forehead...
