Freitag, 19. Juli 2013

Note to Myself: If you love something, set it free…


I don’t know how to start this – as this is a very personal entry. But the reasons why I write it down is first: for myself (maybe I might read it with a “faint smile” years later – maybe not – but to help me to cope with the current situation “better”) second: for you qq (I know we are gonna have a face-to-face conversation a few days later – but I want to write things down now – how I feel right now) third: as this is a blog entry I can’t prevent any persons not to read it (if you read it and you are in the same situation, I hope this entry can help you with your decision…) 

Today, or actually last night I felt back like to the day on my b.day when I received your text message that I shouldn’t wait for you… also, like same on the day before the week-end we went to Lake District. Just with one main difference – this time it’s for real (my hand & body is trembling – what does real mean? Real like forever real or Real temporary??). We also had in-between our little “arguments” but never strong then these three or at least not that strong that can cry a river out of me. I remember there was one time almost the same like that (on my class gathering night back then – but it never felt that painful and heart broken or that my world would felt into pieces like with the start of this year). I really don’t know how things can end up like that. I could feel that things between us were changing – but I just ignored all the negative thoughts… and I would never imagine it will turn into this direction...

It’s not the first time that we fight, we have our disagreements before – and it took normally less than 24h to get back together again. Even though these hours were the most painful, stressful, anxiety, and felt like ages…

And you always asked me two questions:
  • Do you love me? yes
  • Do you still wanna be with me? yes
My answer now is still YES for both questions. Even though, you didn’t ask this time… Maybe you knew as well that this moment will sooner or later come...?


I actually believe that we could make it up this time as well – if we both want to – I am not saying we both don’t want. I know we want as we love each-other unconditionally and pure, but, sometimes…

We both can’t promise that this moment, that we both feeling right now, won’t happen again in the future. 

And it just makes us both tired. And it’s better to make the decision now while we are still in love – this way we can be friends, right? As we are caring for each-other.


I called you liar and being selfish. I don’t think you have understood it the way to what I was referring to.

Maybe I said this because of overreaction and being in hurt but looking back now there are always two people involved in this. And I am not faultless in this regard.

Like the Chinese proverb says: 一个碗不会听当 (one plate can’t make a noise).

You are not a liar and selfish person. I think we both have changed… even though we stay true and honest to each-other all the time. I think this is also what make us survived the long distance. But why not now? I assume it’s because since the thing that happen to me last year (you know what I am referring to qq, right?) it make me anxious about time. Time has become one of my worst enemies. And I feel less and less secure inside. Moreover, on top of that I got qq – I don’t know maybe it’s my star sign being in control of everything. In combination of not being patience (worst mix ever). You said that you are my QiGuanYan – but you are not a robot – you need to breath. I understand it. But understanding something and putting things into action are two different things. Even though, it’s a step into it. However, I don’t think I can change – not currently. And the more I felt insecure, the more I become impatience inside. In addition, I have noticed that I have become a more sensitive and thinking too much person since last autumn… Which even let you say that “you don’t know me anymore” due to my overreaction sometimes…

I called you liar because you promise me a lot of things (as I said PAGES if all written down!!) and I want them now (in a nearer future than you).

Selfish because you know how our future might look like (already back in BJ – maybe not that clear but Canada was already in your mind) yet you still give me hope and let me got the qq .

You are my first in everything qq – and I don’t think I can ever not have feelings for you deep inside. Even IF we went apart as “strangers” – deep inside my mind will always come back to you. You are my drug (as my mum would describe).  And the problem with “drug” is one become greedier and greedier. Meanwhile become more and more sensitive to things.


I know that you are, since you are back to BJ, very busy with your Canada preparation and stressed out on the top as things don’t go that smooth as planned. We don’t spend time with communication anymore or that I can only vague assume how you are feeling inside. We used to share and to talk about EVERYTHING. But now you are only busy with your things and you don’t even know how I felt. Like I said – you didn’t even know that I was sick as our communication ended up with “morning” “NU” “football” “evening” “English Corner” etc. and that for weeks and weeks. We only do face-to-face due to your “exercise” even though that’s not the main but our conversation are getting less. Even though you said we are not talking less. We are just busier. 

But even if we have “face-to-face” talk I don’t know where to start with. There are so many things that I want to say but I don’t know where to start… and it just ended up that I am used to of not seeing you every day like we used to, even though this would always mean one of us has to stay up very late or get up very early. And I am used to our daily conversations. But there is a point of every “used to”… and I think I have reached mine… as I don’t think that’s healthy for me, especially with qq – I’m not happy inside and feeling insecure. And you talk rather with your friends and spent time with them. I mean you should. But it just make a fool of me as I put you always on my priority list 1st, maybe I was too extreme? 

But because of you and your jealous and to save us from “arguments” I stopped meeting my “male friends”. I let you control – but at the same time you keep friends of both genders. Which I felt is unfair. Also, it started to take ages for getting a reply from you when I know you have read it, whereas you reply to your friends always prompt?! I’m not mad just disappointed and I find it as an unfair treatment because when I, accidently, replied late you said to me “I ignore you” or “you are always not there when I need you most” – But what about ME?! 
This already stressed me out when you were in UK and you were most of the time playing on your phone (why didn’t you do this or be like this when we were 2gether in BJ???). Or when I come to see you after work – you prefer to spend time downstairs (you can’t deny it – it’s at least 50:50). I mean I am the one who sacrifice my time to see you as I know one day less with you in UK would mean one day less with you in person. Do you really think that I’m always “free” whenever you want to. Have you ever consider that I make myself available to you by neglecting my own friends. Not only these in UK?! Friends that I have known for ages. My friends understand me as they know that I want to spend as much time as possible with you. Even though some friends don’t. But have you ever considered that?! You don’t or at least not 100%. That’s why I said you are selfish. 
If you did that to me what you are doing now back in BJ – I don’t think things will become like it has become now. Back then you were always 100% devoted to me or even more (even though I wasn’t like that). But somehow I have become the 100% and you have changed (I don’t know if you have realised this). And when I got the qq I can’t stop of not being the 100% anymore and I am suffer inside as I can’t see the same effort from you anymore… And due to our “used to” conversation – I have also started to spend my time with my friends and I realise that I have missed it. Hence, I can understand why you also want to spend with your friends. It’s healthy, even though I feel sad inside because even though my friends make me happy but it’s different than talking to you and makes me even more insecure about us inside.

Especially, when you have suddently changed the two things on wechat without asking me first (you have promised me that). And then the thing with 126.com (you have promised me this as well) – because this was the only thing that let me know what’s going on with you as you don’t talk to me about those things… I felt that you don’t trust me anymore or not that much as you used to. 

Plus, the question weeks ago from you when you assumed that “I don’t love you” – how could you ever possibly come to this idea in your mind. I am still asking myself. What did I do to let you come to this? You know the reason why I broke my own rule (you know which rule qq) is because of that. I know that the next 2 years won’t be easy. Especially, when I can feel that things were changing since the beginning of this year. I also told you that in person and we have discussed about this. I said I will wait for you, even though we both don’t know what the future will look like. But I trust you. I trust in your words and promises and believe in our future that as long as we have each-other we can overcome everything. And I know that you feel insecure about me as well especially after what had happened around Dec./ Jan. Hence, I broke my rule to let you know that you don’t need to feel insecure about me/ about us. Maybe also because to safe what actually can't be saved anymore because even you said it out of anger and I pushed you I hear you saying this for the first time by yourself even though you have promised me that these words will never come out from you!! And because of my qq – because I love you too much & afraid of loosing you – I break it (as after you took it from me you should take responsiblity, if you are a man...). Moreover, I thougth that this can bring us closer together for the hardship times upfront us... I thought you knew it and would never ever question my feelings for you again.
But I think – that this has let us come to today’s point. As deep down the iceberg it has already started to crumble. We just didn’t realise it or ignored the fact. 
 
Like you said when we started argue “I am tired” “I am sick of this” “I don't know you anymore – you never said that this to me before. NEVER!! I wish you did.

Remember when you said you wanted our “sun” being tattooed but never did. Always postpone it. Because deep down you weren’t 100% about us, even though you were talking about marriage, calling me “wifey”. Mengfengli, Mengfengxing etc. But you know that it would take a long way to reach it and you are unsure whether we will reach it. You definitely want to have all these with me (you even wrote it in your/ our diary). I am sure and I believe in what you say but you don’t know when… and the “when” is an indefinite time period in the long future… 
And I think we both might have changed and you are tired (you have to be honest with yourself at this point). Therefore, you have accepted our break-up (even though you are very up-set and sad). I don’t think you would “easily” accept that one year ago. You would feel sad and call me like crazy and beg me not to. But now you don’t do this. I think deep down inside I know that you wouldn’t do this anymore...


I am not saying you don’t love me like you used to but your love for me has changed, while mine has become too strong and breathless at the same time.

And that’s not good. Not healthy for me if it keeps going like that. I wanna live my life and be myself again. Focusing own my life. Be with whoever I want to friends with. Go out with whoever I want to. Do things whatever I like. Without asking you first for “permission” or afraid of “up-setting” you...

I wanna be free. Free from qq. I don’t wanna be upset if you spend more time with your friends or talk to them more. Because it’s your life after all. You live yours and follow your dream and I will do the same from now on.
We have agreed to be friends from now on. Hence, I can still let you be part in my life but I won’t prioritise my time around you anymore. Like what friends or good friends do. They talk regular and being in up-date with each-other. But it’s your decision what you want to let me know. If you don’t want to share it with me – when this won’t bother me. I don’t have the right to know every single step of your life anymore. That’s the difference between pqy and pq and qy. Each has their own seperate life. Their own freedom. Their own choice. But because of “q” we are connected...

And during the last two years you know more about me than anyone else or even I about myself. Because I let you in. I let you inside the imperfect me (“perfect” for the outside world). Same with you. And I think because of this strong bond – as long as pq or qy needs the other half we will always be there for each-other.
 
As I said you can call me “jiejie” *lol* – well actually, meant it in this way… like “siblings”... well… how shall I describe this… Like today, you let me know about the problems that you are currently facing that I didn’t even know about. Not even in my guessing. I felt like today – for the first time – close to you again – cos even it was Skype chat – but somehow you have opened up to me again for a long time. And I want to keep this. I don’t want us ending up as friend of the “used to conversations” but as true friend, who can still be open and talk about (almost) everything...

I don’t want to erase you out of my life completely – I think I can never do this (like you said by yourself impossible”). Too many things have marked me/ us. That’s why I couldn’t “unfriend” you completely and added you back again…

Even though, these days/ few weeks or even month might strange talking to you and pretend that “everything is ok”... when my world just broke down...
 
We are both now free qq – free to fly wherever we want. Without betraying/ dissapointing the other person. Even though, it damn hurts – my heart is broken right now – I cannot stop crying – I feel emptiness – my head hurts – same with you – but I think, maybe I am wrong & act too much in a rush last night – but it’s healthy for us both in the long-term... Because if we keep up with all the “unnecessary” arguments we just hurting each-other more. Our relationship is only around circle – and a growing of massive misunderstanding between us (due to lack of communication). We will soon or later come to this point. 

You are already tired – maybe it’s the pressure that I give up…  (deep inside – I can feel it – without you speaking about it loud because you have promised me that – you will never ever do the first step). Anyway, we are both hurt now; but time can heals all wounds. And now after the break-up we can still be friends as we have hurt each-other but not in this kind of hurt that can end up into “hate”. Just “sadness” / “disappointment” “guilty“...

 
And as you said qq – you believe in destiny – like I. We have found each-other in a million people city. In a time where I should be in UK already back then. It was coincident that even I went to this restaurant at that night. Life is long – we never know the future. If we are really meant to be together we will.

Remember the quote that I used to say to you (but never ever would imagine back then this would ever apply to us):
Well, I am setting you and with that also myself free. Maybe one day we can become pqy again. And I know that IF this time come – this time it will stay. But right now – it’s not right to keep things like this. It will just make as both even more “unspoken unhappy” in the end. Maybe it’s not right – do set pqy free – because if you love someone you should hold it. But then my qq will become stronger and stronger… till one day we both won’t be able to cope with it…
 
Do you know that I had “nightmares” – in my dreams we were apart due to a big argument/ fight. And apart not as friends. Then, because I care I wanted to know how you are. You know we are not friends anymore – we are strangers – but because I couldn’t forget you after years and need to know how you are, I visit you in Canada and found out that you were already father *lol* and you ignored me – saying that you can’t have feelings for me anymore, not because of you having a family now but because I have once hurt you too much… and I shouldn’t come to see anymore…

How strange “nightmares” sometimes can be… 


Anyway, I still hope that I can visit you as a friend in Canada. Maybe not that soon anymore. Maybe like I said on your graduation… (see I haven’t forgotten my words to you) I am sure one day we will meet each other in person (either North America, Europe or Asia or …). I know. Whether as friend or pqy… but definitely not as strangers…

I wish you all the best of luck and everything with your new life in Canada. I wish you to find and to pursue your happiness. Don’t think too much about me or my feelings. We are friends from now on – and true friends always support each-other and want that the other live in happiness. And you should know that you can call me whenever you need to talk to someone. I will be there – your “jiejie”~

 
The first song that you sung to me – I hated already back then the last sentence of it... even though I was very touched by your singing while we were walking back to my dorm... and you kissed me under the stars on my forehead...

pqy - 816...

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